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HISTORY
The Champagne Legacy
The age I found myself in was a simple time, when man could make an earnest living with honest wine.
Boat trips out along the river kept the headaches from overbearing. And daffodils growing each spring were enough to entice the women to come on board within.
We had chosen this life for a number of reasons. Both the hardy landscape and undulating hills showed us our direction forward, showed us where we belonged.
Rejoice! Rejoice! All of you! Lay down your tools and rejoice in your most humblest servant! For it is today, my friends, that we are destined to harvest our crops of grape!
Each of you has had a task… and each of you has served this task with the greatest efforts!
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And now I applaud you all like the saviours you are! So come forth now, my friends, and join me as we set foot towards the source of our wondrous bounty!
Easy done! Easy done! It is not unalike a fool’s blasphemy to leave droplets of grape on the ground. Act sternly and swiftly, my friends…and you shall have your supper before tonight!”
Some of the winters could be harsh and we could lose our crop to frost… but we were amplified by a bustling crew who fought for our vineyards like a Viking!
Be quick! Be quick all of you! Let us round up this dearest ox-blood before the night has begun! Now… I say… back towards the stables we turn ayonder! All of you… jump on board!
We could feed a forest of young customers with this assortment of dingle beeds!
The night sky will keep everyone inebriated. Anyone who touches our wine will sing merry songs throughout the night!
I left my soberness back there on the muddy ground. Like a dark ghoul always stalking me!
We’ll have to see what peasants befall us at the Chateau in the coming months!
Come closer to me as we serenade together. Sway your arms like the swaying daffodils ayonder. Aunt Dorothy would be in love with your moves!
And I sensible enough not to cause her antipathy! Come now, let us retire to the saloon!
An age is now, upon us now I say, where we all cast aside the shackles of this destitute existence… and walk amongst the gods! I see it in our finger glasses! They are all relishing our victory!
I’m afraid a wise guise would not take too an unsteady approach to such affairs. For we all know what happens when surreptitious spirits come lurching across that door!”
I’d stifle them from behind and wrench out those bloody spirits to dry. I’d have them demolished and exiled like the insufferable vineyards they stripped from my own back!
But my lord we can never know for certain what misfortunes might beset this estate. It is a destitute wretchedness to see this establishment go to the crows… and I won’t sit around whilst it happens. We’ve got another weeks’ harvest until we go to the market!
It seems a tidy morrow for sure when I find workers up at this hour! And harvesting the very own grapes as well! Why good heavens! Well… as you were… chin chin.. it is the success of this vineyard that rests heavy on the back of your many labours! You continue! You continue! I’ll go and assess the barn!
All awaken at this moment now! All herald the time of righteousness that befalls our farm! For we are here at the crack of dawn at the veritable market of our beloved town! We have invigorated our lives with crops, we have circumspected our land with undue quality… and now we set free our livelihood across these quarters! Join me, my friends, as we distribute these bottles of wine throughout these deserving guests in front of us!
A spot of revelry might descend amongst this pit of thieves! Why… I say! Pass me a bottle of the Chardonnay, Derek, and I might cast aside my inner inhibitions!
Sturdy your sentiments if you please, young chap! A den of fools may see their balance sheets soon dumbfounded as the tricks of the trade unravel!
Enough! Enough! Enough of your bickering if you please! Why! Here is our destined moment now! An elderly lady is approaching our stall… ready to set her teeth through our produce!
Fairy fine townspeople like us, young gentlemen, search and scour across these stalls in the effort for one thing… for the most indistinguishable of elements… that is we search for an entity to dream! Put down your tools! Put down your tools, I say! And search further within your hearts for what we all are most desperately missing in our souls! A bird flying high in the sky is an eagle to all of us! An eagle I say! An eagle I say!
Can I offer you any selection of our wines! They’re distilled in our farm not too far from here!
For you, young sir, I’d prefer to fly a million miles away!
Well, chaps, that concludes our day at the market. It behoves you all to retire with a beverage in hand. I myself might uptake a sweet glass of sherry! Saunter around in your bed chambers before war once again befalls us to try!
So a gratuitous total of 25 bottles sold! Why that’s more than my wooden hat can muster! Ponsardin, you must surely look to expand the vineyard! We could encompass many other acres of land and bring their vines under the title of our majestic custom!
I need scan no further than our own bountiful vineyards out ayonder! What madness calls you to suggest such a thing?!
I suppose a capitalist with a simple wish to grow their enterprise!
Enough! Enough! Can you please stop squabbling! I, myself, am in fact struck by a new collection of sentiments… a new assortment of emotions! It beats through my heart like a new spirit cajoling my blood with a litany of sensations! I am wretched here no longer, nor parlay with the devils, but run high through the clouds like the angels above!
I see it bright and boldly in front of me, stretching out like it were the opening of a cave. Trinkets of newfound honour shower my corpus, before I fly out soaring into the air aboard the back of an eagle! All yee! All yee! All yee now! Seize the wretchedness within you, seize the fury escaping your heart and plunge with me now into the pit of water in front of us!
As I trudge through this forest, I am anointed as a messenger of heaven above! I carry the ethereal, bound across these tree trunks, and the litany of the intelligible upon my shoulders. The omnium speaks to me. It carries newfound secrets, ‘till I lunge upon the sacred emporium in front of the chalice!
Ponsardin, the ancestral Lord of Tynemore, I appear before you now to reveal the secrets of the sacred mixtures of gold that may bless your populace. Not many will ever see me before them and it behoves you to turn this talk into action.
We are a simple but learned folk who have cultivated our beverages for millions of years. With a string of molecular compounds, we have unlocked untold treasures within the human brain. We have veritably sent them dreaming into the stratosphere!
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Now, come! Come closer, my friend, and remember the sacred blessings I shall impart with you! Gently pour in ointments of ox-tail and whispers of soaked lavender with dandelions and you shall have your concoction! Do not hesitate and act swiftly before the morning arrives! Make haste and may the blessings of the spirits be with you!
Come quick! Come quick, my dearest Samantha! I have been blessed by an image of the mysteries, shining forth across my brow! It promised glory and prosperity like a veritable mountain spirit!
Alas. I’m afraid you’ve arrived just at the wrong moment, my poor soul! You see I’m afraid to tell you the Duke of Extrenton has implemented a “Grand Inquistion” banishing all potions and our wine with it. It shall shatter our livelihoods and shatter this farm!
What sorcery is this! How can the humble production of wine be sabotaged by this insolent ruler?! Years built upon the benefaction of this nation… from the gratitude of our vineyard… to the merry banquets across the land… have laid witness to the wonders of our crop! We have instituted our place in this nation through sheer might… and it’ll take a heavy fall to undue us!
You there, young sir! I speak from the Grand Inquisition of his noble Duke and here claim that all wine from these vineyards shall be banished at once! From henceforth only the fruit of an apple tree or other local sources will be deemed worthy enough to sell in our markets! You best eradicate this vineyards or face the wrath of our noble Lords!
We have held our place here for hundreds of years?! Centuries of generations have known the truth of cultivating simple wine! What terrors… nay what blasphemy need unduly eradicate us from this ancestral pedestal?
It is the order of the Duke himself. No wine shall be sold throughout the kingdom! No vineyard may be left to scour our citizens!
My dear Samantha! It is the end of our fabrication we have so unjustly reached through coercion. How the imagined serpents of our realm have abandoned us wilfully.. like the wild dragons pilfering our livelihoods from the Garden of Eden. We will have to go! To exile we must venture from henceforth! Take all you can - utensils, coins and cattle - and we will venture away from these realms… away from these realms to a place where we can live once again!
Many years had passed through the calanders of our souls. What were primitive, decadent farmyards now became the towering skyscrapers of our metropolises. The age was the 1970s. Revellers illuminated subwoofers and blazoned out anthems just as much as newfound narcotics ran rife through the cities.
It was on this occasion that a party of R’n’B vocalists were celebrating within a suburban house… loosening their relinquished souls. It was not coerced by the struggles of their time, nor inhibited by the phantoms of the past, but illuminated the space of the rooms with inebriated joy.
I’m sizing up your derrière and it’s sweet apple pie! Julia… come and cavort with me like saucy open skies!
This R’nB’ is hitting me like a Reggae pentathlon! Let me unwind your body and mind!
Put your dick back in your pants! I’m off limits to a man with those kind of dance moves!
The following day Julia returned to a park bench set along one of her favourite city parks. Her mind was troubled and despite the joy of the nighttime parties, she was aware of pirates and bandits who scathed across the coastline and the land unfortunately all too often during the age she lived in.
Destiny shall unfold me, as a I am - a young sweet maiden - if only the forbidden fruit does encounter our carousel! Spirits! Mysteries! Unwind your devilish smears upon a new horizon, murmuring in caverns far gone from my soul! Wrestle me aboard a new catamaran, a new sanctuary, a new town… whereto this god foresaken populace might be liberated!
Ladies and gentlemen, we arrive here at the classic summer beach festival of Extrenton! We have a number of acts and artists to excite the living daylight outta yah! As you all make your way from the bars at the side of the stage, let me inaugurate this festival as officially begun! RedRum! Take it away!
I want to ruffle you up in your raunchy bikini, oh sweet mademoiselle!
The sun is really gleaming across your forehead. Or is it not, as we all agree, sun burnt from too much alcohol!
Look everyone! Look! Behold arriving on our shores a crop of pirates! What treasures will they implode on our soul! What anarchist recitals will they play before our piano! Raise a glass and commune with this idolatry shack of intrigue… because it will behove you now far more than the next armada!
Good heavens, we have come for no warrant nor acceptance. We are here to plunder and seize your gold! So each of you, empty your pockets if you will!
Pirates! Pirates I say! Everyone! Flee this beach like the mother of your absent child!
The following week Julia returned to her same beloved bench. She was sorrowful rather this time and gazed across the park like absent elephants journeying endlessly for a better tomorrow. Tree tops drop their yawning leaves at this point and serenade the beloved along into a musical.
If only she could circumnavigate the crime, the destitution, the idiosyncrasy of her beloved nesting spot and find new tools to adorn her armoury. What out there and who out there would set forth a flag of the forgotten times when principles ran tall and taller and taller as men flocked to the temples? She must be quick and look steadily at the decaying breeze, for lest it unravel secrets, but not unaverse to the stars up above her. No. She was sure of it! She would wrench out the decay of those moribund and collect the dripping suckles of nectar!
Ladies and gentlemen, I have the gratuitous leisure to announce a boat party leaving from our majestic harbour here! Drugs, alcohol and seduction are licensed like magical pixies as you all embark on this booze cruise! Take down your bow ties! Immerse yourself in the seduction! And take a captain’s pint as the first thing you do!
Julia, may I say you look resplendent in that bikini! Why! I’m nurturing my own cockles staring at you!
Too much to handle, eh? Well why don’t you go and ejaculate on a bush!
My friends! My friends! Come now and source our onboard bar! Why I see a bottle of Disaronno gleaming out to me from afar! And let me tell you it warrants a place in your shimmering ice-cold cocktails like the Christmas Trees from an Italian Bazaar! Come now my friends! Come now! Tuck in! Tuck in!
What is that striding towards us like an inertial wave! Could it be a whale? Could it be an oasis? Or is not, as it most probably is, another pirate ship rampaging towards us! Everyone! Grab hold of your life jackets and prepare for the Battle of The Somme!
Yes we are pirates and have come to take control of your ship! Hand over command at once… and you may just escape the clutches of our vicious band of bandits!
Over my dead body you vivacious son of a bitch!
A fight broke out between the pirates and partygoers on board the ship. Several drunken men smashed glasses and hurled them wretchedly in the direction of the armed pirates. Brawling fights erupted across the deck as differing teams wrestled and punched opposing enemies.
We’re losing too many men to the clutches of the pirates! We must now all flee or face their merciless wrath!
Aye! Sound the horn! Everyone must flee for their lives!
Julia... Julia! Arrest yourself from the toils of aggression and come with me for a moment! Yes! Come with me! Come with me out of the blue moon of the ocean! There is something mumbling underground… something chattering below the deck of this precipitous naval vessel! Turn to the bridge we must in order to release this bastion from minority!
What I have before you is an ancestral secret recipe stemming back to the time Ponsardin, Lord of Tynemore, several centuries ago! Can you feel its might! Can you feel its foaming back ready to explode into a sky of unicorns! It is calamitous and rich upon the hardships of its labours!
It is indeed, my sweetheart, the legendary recipe of the furies! It is the recipe of the archaic Muses that will launch any beholder into galaxies trillions of miles away! Feel its energy and feel its majesty!
Gently pour the lavender and dandelions into the solution and let the wrath of this concoction unravel itself. Here you go! Here you go! Gentle tips of parsnips and thyme as the battalions arrive in its midst! Now, caress the solution gently in your bosom and let a cry out to the gods! Three, two, one… shake it and let the passion unwind! On the count of three, pour a drip of it down upon your naked tongue!
That I shall and that I shall do proudly!
Th
I can feel all space and time! I can feel endless galaxies swarming under my gentle mind! Supernovas and burning energy feel like mere flies! They are unstoppable by my might! I am stronger than all the stars! I am stronger than all eternity! I want to explode in flames greater than all infinity!
BANG!!!!
The boat and ocean from where they were exploded and the whole universe was engulfed in flames.